Thursday, August 03, 2006

I've written this because I no longer know where you are .And I know you won't want to listen to me if I ever found you .So this will be here for you .. so fate can have something to lead you toward .
This is for the significant wonder :
It's been years . And my recollection of you fades with time .Not that it's my intention to erase my own memory ..I won't forget events in my timeline, or any important words you spoke to me .But I want to preserve a part of you in my mind . It's long overdue that I strike what I've built .. and lock the image . Of you .
Do you know who you are ?
You may have forgotten . Because you're different today .But you used to be somebody .. unbelievable . You were a dream come true . Everyday .And a hope never lost . Anchored heavily and true .You were real .I knew of your depth .. yet I dared not tread beyond shallow water .Your welcome was a warmth ..That would easily subdue the air around me .And continue to envelop my spirit .
You had me absolutely yours . Did you ever know ?
Your words so pure, my heart would have stopped at your slightest verbal command Should you ever speak it done .And you would be the only divine being on the surface of this earth Who could accelerate my heart to race again ..With nothing more than a simple glance .
Your beauty was a challenge to appreciate .. in truth it was a universe in itself .As it filled infinite dimensions .. composing an endless symphony .And its potential was far too immense to be held in the very world you lived in .
But I appointed myself to that solitary journey .. And embarked on a chain of blissful discovery Of everything . Everything inside of you .
And granted, if my heart took the greatest capacity of courage ..
Then maybe I'd know for sure If this is where I was truly meant to be .
Underneath the most stars I'd ever seen in my life .On a porch stairway foreign to me .. Sitting one step below, and an arm's length away ..From the most amazing guy.. ever to grace my life story .
We were there together .. and I was a nervous wreck .I couldn't speak . And I wouldn't dare look your way .I was afraid my words would slip ..And I would tell you .. you're beautiful .Then instantly end up despising myself for using such incompetent words .You had no idea ..It was the first time I'd ever experienced for myself ..The supreme elegance which moonlight has the power to reveal .In you .
I was no match for the velocity bound inside of me .It was inevitable that I would lose to it soon ..And something . Just .. something .. would escape me ..And reach you .And you would finally know .That I loved you ....And it .. escaped ....My voice was a disaster when I said it .I was instantly overcome with embarrassment and a concave silence ..Awkwardness left me ready and waiting to stutter my next word ..Possibly an apology for my crude mannerism .. Or a chuckled diversion to typically break the tension .. I was at a most desperate and pitiful loss for action or dialogue .Until I looked up .And saw your face .You changed everything .It was the first time in the history of my existenceThat I stared into the eyes of my destiny .It was in that instance where time itself .. had stopped .To let us live in that moment . Just a little while longer .Your stare was strong .. piercing me and tearing me apart .You spoke to me very clearly .. only with those eyes .They reflected everything the sky had to offer .Even if my sense of hearing was immediately taken from meRight then and there ..It still could never stop me from understanding The response within your gaze .You loved me .And my heart soared .. clear into the highest of heavens .You began to cry as you said it .And I shared that feeling with you .. We repeated ourselves over and over again ..Releasing an abundance of jailed emotion and destined words .I held you so close ..As if to cover and shield you from the world ..Bravely protecting you from all harm that exists .And that is what I did .From that night on .Thus began the birth of our relationship together .I loved every minute of it .
At times it was a struggle to find myself with you .But I hadn't the slightest need to wonder why .An easy journey would lead me worthlessly elsewhere ..It made perfect sense to me .. that a guy of your valueCould only be reachable beyond life's most difficult obstacles .I worked my hardest . Just to have that time by your side . All of what I owned could easily have been traded ..To acquire what I needed for you .Because you were appreciative .Of everything I did . And everything I was .Do you remember .. I drove alone for seven hours ..No phone and no more than a few dozen dollars in my pocket ..Just to see you ..For an hour and a half .And it was seven more hours driving back home ..Lost in total happiness .. and weary swoonThat I was able to feel your arms around me ..And your face burrowing softly against my chest .There was never a time where I was simply able to set my eyes on you ..Without being overcome with a heavy rain of joy ..From the thought that this lovely womanOf unimaginative elegance standing here before me ..Is truly mine to cherish ....We created a world together .. didn't we .It seemed like the longest period in my life ..You and I were inseperable .Truly .. I loved you so .We achieved sweet perfection .Until the scale had to be balanced .I don't know why we came to that point ..In which everything good began to slowly burn ..I'd always put myself up to be blamed .. for blaming you .But we both knew it wasn't that simple ..Eventually .. I let go .. freeing my hold each day .Releasing you of that shield which protected your entire being ..And allowing the horrors you feared to swiftly reach you .You lowered yourself so much .Putting every ounce of pride away .Just to ask me to reconsider my departure .But I couldn't .I was callous and cold .Steadfast and loyal to my decision .And I hated myself for a long time because of it .You experienced the worst disasters of your life .One . After the other .And I was not there to help .. Because of my own horrible choice .You spiraled into a maze of despair, deception, and death .And your health unfortunately coincided with these dreadful events .The world around you blamed you for everything .And you could have easily turned the blame to me .But you didn't ..You accepted it all didn't you .I know you did .I just couldn't believe that you still loved me that much .Literally .. you were the only person who'd ever told meYou'd give your life for me ..And proved it .But you disappeared .Before I could find you to apologize .. You were gone .I searched non-stop for what seemed like forever .Only to find that we were no longer even on the same continent .You had been sent away .My hope .Had fled my being . Only to be replaced by new fears .I had never known the feeling ..Of not being able to know for sure If the only person you care about in life .. is still living .I plunged into the deepest despondency I'd ever experienced .Possibly the only true depression I'd ever been bound within .It lasted for what seemed like a seperate lifetime ..Trudging through nights where I lay in utter silence Only to wake up to days where I quietly float through the hours .I hated myself . And I hated everything .It was the last and only time I'd ever felt this way .As the months crept by ever so slowly ..I met someone who understood .Somebody who only wanted to help . And she did . Somewhat successfully .And I moved on .Meanwhile .. you were there . Away and across the globe .Never had a way of contacting me whatsoever .. but you never lost any hope .Still just as in love .. and working diligently to somehow find your way back to me .The possibility that I'm still looking for you .. Was the strongest motivation that kept you going .But word somehow found its way to you .And you heard I moved on .And it killed you .
After another year .. you were finally able to come back .And you contacted me .Do you remember how thrilled I was ?I was so relieved to know you were still alive and well .Physically .But your heart had been broken . And your spirits darkened .And you were hurting so much .I felt the sadness I'd caused you ..And even felt the happiness you still wanted for me .You never did give up on putting me first .And I hated how you were so perfect . Unreasonable to the core . Yet unselfish by nature .I wanted to be like you in that sense .And I wanted to find a way to somehow see you happy again .You eventually moved on .Found somebody in an unexpected atmosphere ..And he did hold you dear . ......We never spoke more often than once every 4 months or so ..And I was always eager to hear your good news .I loved to hear how much you cared about her.And about how your family was doing so much better .It brought me so much happiness to listen to you share these things with me .We carried on this way for quite some time, didn't we .Rarely ever talking to each other .. and always by total chance .You seemed to be slightly different .. But I always felt like .. the old you was in there somewhere .Until your relationship had failed .I'm so sorry .Please believe that it brought me no happiness to learn of your misfortune .You were mistreated terribly .. and for awhile you allowed yourself to be blamed .Just like always .Taking the nobility route .But you eventually took note of his error .. And you were able to realize your innocence in the matter ....That's when you changed ....You no longer wished to speak to me .When I tried my best to talk to you ..I was only responded to with hostility ..And annoyance . And cruelty .It was all so sudden .I surely could not understand why you had become so cold-hearted towards me .Out of everything I'd been through with you ..This was brand new .I contacted you to ask how you were doing ..And it only upset you .You spoke to me rashly and casually .. cursing and being coarseLike never before .. as if I was a nobody to you ..Or a nobody to everybody .I felt as if you had totally shifted . And I was afraid to know the truth .You were like a completely different or rather, opposite person .Or maybe you just forgot .. who I used to be to you .This was the last time I'd spoken to you ...... .....And also .. a leading motivator in composing this letter of sorts .Believe me .. I will not act as though I truly understand you now . But I will also keep myself from being anymore of a bother to you .And I know I made you aware of that upon our last conversation .I just wanted to let you know .. I am finally ready to close this chapter in the book of my life .After everything we had been through .. which was indeed valuable ..I guess this is where our story ends .I just wanted you to have a final understandingtoward my definition of our time together .I will not immortalize you in my mind as a terrible person .You will be one of the very few people I will forever remember .Please accept these parting words .You will always be inside my definition of 'beautiful' .Even though you may dislike me or no longer care for me ..There will always be a special place for you in my heart and memory .A place that has been crafted by you .. during the period in which we existed as one .You are loved . By an entire world of people .Don't ever doubt your worth . You are absolutely priceless .Any man who does not see that .. is not even worthy of your eye contact .Your way to success clearly exists . Please do not give up on yourself .Extraordinary things require hard work to reach . And I learned that through you .Be honest with yourself . You deserve the best of all things .Don't ever be ashamed of your wonderful smile . And please don't second-guess your beauty . Never allow yourself to be abused .. you must be treated as the queen you are .Aim beyond what you expect for yourself . You're far greater than that .I won't be finding myself in your life any longer so I sure hope I've said all that's necessary . I'm sure I've covered all that I wanted to assess .I know this isn't the best way to convey such strong emotion .. but if you're meant to know these things, then I know you'll find your way here naturally . And since you probably won't want to talk to me .. I've left all of this here for you to read at your own pace .. if you choose to read it at all . Have a great life .. wherever you are . And good luck with whatever you're doing .I hope you're well ..If there's one mental picture to keep ..Let it be the moment we sharedOn the porch steps of your house .Underneath the most stars I'd ever seen in my entire life .Thank you for showing them to me .And thank you for teaching me to be a better person .